Sunday, September 2, 2012

‘How Not To Get Fat At A Labor Day Barbecue’: What?!?!?!


I was checking my e-mail when this lovely article came a blazin’ through my feed. I decided to break it down for the faint of heart, or for those who don’t feel like reading 30 paragraphs of Mayonnaise is the Devil.
Before we get started, I will tell you the real secret to ‘not getting fat’ at a labor day barbecue. Or at all. Drink water all the fucking time. Dehydration happens way more often than we think. We often mistake dehydration for hunger. So. If you are hungry, drink 16 oz of water first. And if you are at the fatty pants labor day barbecue, keep chugging water the entire time. You’l be too full to indulge in seconds. Hopefully.
So! The article rambles on an on about how many calories are in each item. Well, of course they have calories, it’s real food your article is talking about here, lady. Not the tasteless fat free shit.
1. Mayo Based Salad: To each their own. I’m smart enough to be able to tell when a ‘salad’ is ‘swimming in mayonnaise’. That means it has a mayo based sauce, like potato salad or chicken salad. Luckily, You can either pass, eat a little or a lot, or choose a different salad. Obstacle avoided. Its not like you plan on pigging out on potato salad for the next two weeks.
2. Hot Dogs: Everyone who pays attention to anything knows that hot dogs are loaded with everything unpleasant but they taste so goddamn good. Eat one? Fine. Just don’t eat more than one. No news here, moving on!
3. Dip. Fuck you lady, I like my dip. I’ll eat 7 layer dip until I turn into a pinto bean. Loaded with calories? Yeah. The mayonnaise based dips. But don’t you go hating on beans cheese lettuce tomato chives olives and sour cream. Cause the only ingredient that will do nothing for you is the sour cream. The rest of those ingredients your body can use and poop out later.
4. Chips. Another no-brainer. As long as you come away from this barbecue not finishing an entire bag of chips, I will consider you unscathed.
5. Loaded hamburgers. Apparently a burger can run you up to about 700 calories. Well, I’m sure the number can be cut in half if you have a nice little 3-4oz  burger patty as opposed to the man’s man half pounder. Room for more calories!
6. Frozen Margarita and Daiquiri mixes. This lady says you should put a lot of liquor in each one so then you’ll magically limit your self to 1 or 2. This woman has obviously never drank before. She should have just said take a bunch of shots of low calorie Bacardi with a little sprinkle of mix added to it. You’re sloshed and it didn’t take 250+ calories to do it. Woot!
7. Baked beans. Okay, other than total fat-asses and baked bean enthusiasts, who honestly even eats AN ENTIRE 400 CALORIE SERVING CUP of baked beans? When there’s all this other stuff around are you seriously going to go beyond a spoonful of beans? That’s not even a cup. This lady is bean-biased.
8. Ice cream. Yeah I’m going to eat ice cream. I don’t care if its almost 600 calories for a monster serving that I won’t finish. Its the end of summer and its depressing.
9. Fried chicken. Apparently one piece of fried chicken is 300-350 calories. And apparently in this lady’s crazy world fried chicken must be the only food at this picnic because once again, unless you’re already fat, why would you load up on more than two pieces? And are you really gonna sit there and gnaw chicken to the bone when you have beans and dip to eat?!
10. Fruit pie. As mentioned before, unless I have a shopping bag for a stomach, I don’t think I will be indulging in fruit pie after my ice cream. Save it for the host’s leftovers. Their reward for having all these hungry creeps at their house.
Another perspective: It’s not like your going to down this 1500 calorie fest in one sitting. You’re at a barbecue. You’ll be there for hours. (1500 calories in 4 hours? that’s like 375 calories per hour. Do you plan on eating every hour on the hour for the rest of the day? I hope not. You’re safe.) Hopefully there’s more going on than everyone sitting around and eating. Hopefully that weird golfball attached to a rope game is set up. If you’re really that worried, you can always stick your finger down your throat and barf it back up.
Happy Labor Day! Stay Hydrated!

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