People Watching Episode 1: Unsuccessful Mother

I should have titled this post ‘Bad Mother’ but I felt ‘Unsuccessful’ was the better word choice. 

I have a feeling that once we hit the year 2000 it became completely unacceptable to smack a child upside the head in public for being a piece of shit. I remember going to the grocery store as a wee one and I would always hear kids screaming. I’m not sure why they were screaming, I just assumed it was one of the common sounds of the grocery store. One day, I decided to let out a scream as well (for no apparent reason) and my dad smacked me upside the head like a good father should. The pain paired with everyone laughing at me was a good enough reason to never scream in the grocery store (Or any other other store for that matter) ever again.

Fast forward to yesterday. My co-worker and I were brooding about how some moron set of parents allowed their child to violate a 165$ dollar wheel of some fancy brie cheese. (They picked it off the shelf and stomped on it. What kind of 3 year old still thinks this is appropriate behavior? One raised by dirty old passive hippies, that’s who.) 

While he was trying to salvage what had not been ruined, we heard a roar from the bowels of hell. Another three year old came screaming into the door. We thought the mom would be close behind, but no, she was playing the ‘if I ignore my child’s bad behaviors, they will stop.’ game. Well, she ignored him for a good 10 minutes, and his blood curdling red-in-the-face screaming continued. By the time she had reached checkout, the child was ripping things off the shelves, kicking other customers and ramming carts into people and shelves alike. Once they had left the store (and of course the mother refused to take any responsibility, or make her child take any responsibility for that matter…) our manager rushed to the security camera room to see if the mother would do anything about it out of the eyes of the judgmental natural foods shoppers in the parking lot. Apparently, she gave her child a fucking cookie.

WHAT. THE. FUCK. LADY. 

Do you know what kind of person your son will grow up to be if you reward that kind of shit with fucking cookies? The kind of person who you probably bitch about on a daily basis to your passive aggressive husband! But of course, the double edged sword to this matter was that if this woman decided to appropriately smack her child upside the head and explain to him why he was getting his ass beat (Or at least leave his stupid ass in her hot Subaru with the windows cracked) Some stuffy activist would have called the police on her and she would been arrested for ‘child abuse’.

There used a fine line between child abuse and punishing your child. When I was a youngin’, I knew my place. My parents provided for me, and when I stepped out of line, my favorite things would be taken away. If I really stepped out of line and showed disrespect, then my parents would disrespect me upside the head. Now a days, I have teacher friends calling child protective services because their student refused to eat the dinner that was put in front of him and the parents didn’t jump at their beck and call to make macaroni and cheese. “You can’t let your own child go hungry!” wailed my naive teacher friend. Well, if my child is being an ungrateful piece of shit comfort food fiend he totally can.

Gluten Free Month: The Biggest Farce of the Decade

September has been dubbed 'Gluten-Free Month!' Do you even know what gluten is? Most people don’t, so before I start the rant about all the morons who ask me if pickles and lettuce have gluten in them, here is a dictionary definition:

Gluten: NOUN! A substance present in cereal grains, especially wheat, that is responsible for the elastic texture of dough. A mixture of two proteins, it causes illness in people who have celiac disease. (And people who have a wheat/grain allergy)

A year or two ago, all the people (usually overweight people and moms who like to shame other moms who choose not to breastfeed) who relentlessly asked me if random products contained pomegranate or acai berries in them started asking me if random products were gluten free. (“Do these apples contain gluten?”) I would always follow their questions with “Do you have celiac disease or a wheat allergy?” 9 out of 10 times they would say no, so I asked them why they needed something to be gluten free. They always answered with:

“My doctor told me to stop eating gluten and I’ve been losing weight! Or for the stay at home slave moms: Gluten causes autism/ADHD/donkey ears.”

Now, your weight loss couldn’t be possibly attributed to the fact that you now pay attention to what you stuff in your pie hole, would it? Instead of a bag of potato chips you now eat a bag of rice cakes and/or carrot chips? Were you aware that potato chips don’t have gluten either you fat fuck? I usually think they’re full of shit anyway. “I’ve already lost 4 pounds!” Well, lady, my anorexic ass can lose 4 pounds too, and I can eat all the gluten I want in the process. (Okay maybe not all the gluten I want. But I can have bread in the morning and not eat all day and drink nothing but gatorade. 4 pounds? See ya later. Maybe tomorrow night even you 4 fluctuating bastard pounds.)

And for all you moms who are trying to be gluten free because you think your child will get ADHD or autism, hear me out. Your kid is fucking four. He’s going to be doing A LOT of weird shit and its not because he was 'eating gluten’. He’s not sitting still at preschool? Well, he is four. A few decades ago it was the norm for 4 year olds to be tearing around outdoors or indoors, but you insist because he doesn’t feel like sitting through a 45 minute dinner where you and daddy talk about finances, he MUST have ADHD. And don’t even get me started on the whole autism craze. Your kid can’t socialize? I’m sure it’s not because he was raised in some closed off environment where mom referred to herself in the third person in a baby voice all the time. “Mommy needs a latte so it's time for Philip to go sleepy sleeps.” (These are the same people who failed miserably to teach their kid any manners.)

Gluten isn’t bad for you. Its not fantastic for you either. Its just kind of there, like a lot of things in this world. (Mayors, internet, pickles, Greenland) It probably causes cancer, like everything else does, too. 

If a doctor tells you to go gluten free, ask them why. If the answer is anything but ‘you have celiacs disease/grain allergy’ Then they are probably going to keep talking and charge you an extra 200$ for sitting there and being ‘consulted’. Leave immediately and eat some bread.