Gluten Free Month: The Biggest Farce of the Decade

September has been dubbed 'Gluten-Free Month!' Do you even know what gluten is? Most people don’t, so before I start the rant about all the morons who ask me if pickles and lettuce have gluten in them, here is a dictionary definition:

Gluten: NOUN! A substance present in cereal grains, especially wheat, that is responsible for the elastic texture of dough. A mixture of two proteins, it causes illness in people who have celiac disease. (And people who have a wheat/grain allergy)

A year or two ago, all the people (usually overweight people and moms who like to shame other moms who choose not to breastfeed) who relentlessly asked me if random products contained pomegranate or acai berries in them started asking me if random products were gluten free. (“Do these apples contain gluten?”) I would always follow their questions with “Do you have celiac disease or a wheat allergy?” 9 out of 10 times they would say no, so I asked them why they needed something to be gluten free. They always answered with:

“My doctor told me to stop eating gluten and I’ve been losing weight! Or for the stay at home slave moms: Gluten causes autism/ADHD/donkey ears.”

Now, your weight loss couldn’t be possibly attributed to the fact that you now pay attention to what you stuff in your pie hole, would it? Instead of a bag of potato chips you now eat a bag of rice cakes and/or carrot chips? Were you aware that potato chips don’t have gluten either you fat fuck? I usually think they’re full of shit anyway. “I’ve already lost 4 pounds!” Well, lady, my anorexic ass can lose 4 pounds too, and I can eat all the gluten I want in the process. (Okay maybe not all the gluten I want. But I can have bread in the morning and not eat all day and drink nothing but gatorade. 4 pounds? See ya later. Maybe tomorrow night even you 4 fluctuating bastard pounds.)

And for all you moms who are trying to be gluten free because you think your child will get ADHD or autism, hear me out. Your kid is fucking four. He’s going to be doing A LOT of weird shit and its not because he was 'eating gluten’. He’s not sitting still at preschool? Well, he is four. A few decades ago it was the norm for 4 year olds to be tearing around outdoors or indoors, but you insist because he doesn’t feel like sitting through a 45 minute dinner where you and daddy talk about finances, he MUST have ADHD. And don’t even get me started on the whole autism craze. Your kid can’t socialize? I’m sure it’s not because he was raised in some closed off environment where mom referred to herself in the third person in a baby voice all the time. “Mommy needs a latte so it's time for Philip to go sleepy sleeps.” (These are the same people who failed miserably to teach their kid any manners.)

Gluten isn’t bad for you. Its not fantastic for you either. Its just kind of there, like a lot of things in this world. (Mayors, internet, pickles, Greenland) It probably causes cancer, like everything else does, too. 

If a doctor tells you to go gluten free, ask them why. If the answer is anything but ‘you have celiacs disease/grain allergy’ Then they are probably going to keep talking and charge you an extra 200$ for sitting there and being ‘consulted’. Leave immediately and eat some bread.

Creepers: Episode 2. The Beautiful Creep

I have a problem. I seem to attract weirdos whenever I venture into public or if I dare to start up a conversation with a stranger.

Rewind. I am sitting in a pointless general education class. (General Education Class: A more expensive version of the same exact class you took your junior year of high school) I always sit by the back window. That way I can watch what’s happening outside AND I can watch the back of everyone’s heads. There is one particular head I liked to watch, and that was because it was attached to these amazing muscular shoulders and on the other side was the face of a mythical god.

As weeks went by this gorgeous being attempted to talk to me but at the time I thought his horrible social skills were just due to shy-ness… or nervousness… never in a million years did I think this dude would turn out to be probably the most bat shitters person I ever agreed to hang out with.

Phase 1: Dude invites me over to his house for some innocent Lutheran fun. This somehow includes:

Upon arrival, he was wearing short shorts. I’m not sure if they were supposed to be posed as boxers or what. He bolts straight to his room and flops on his bed. (smooth move asshole) I quietly sit on a chair in the corner. He rolls over and begins playing with his balls. This happens on and off through out this creep encounter.

Watching him play Minesweeper (That game that comes default on most windows computers… Who even plays Minesweeper? Avidly?!)

Watching him watch some weird stadium inauguration that he made it apparent he was very upset about missing.

Finally, I called him out on his shenanigans. “Hey man, I’m your guest and you're making me sit here and watch you play fucking MINESWEEPER. At least be more obvious about your rudeness and play Solitaire or some shit!”

After this I had obviously flustered the young man. I asked him (honestly) if he had a hint of some sort of social disorder. He got really mad and flustered about that question and informed me he was burning a CD. I asked if I could decorate the CD, he looked at me as if I had just pinched his mother’s butt.

After the CD was ready to burn, he thrust his laptop at me and said I could play Minesweeper. He left the room and I started playing Hearts. He came back snatched his lap top away and left the room again, leaving me sitting there wondering if I was having some funky erotic dream.

A minute later he pokes his head into the room, and this is how our endeavors came to a close for the day:

Him: “I need to make a sandwich.”
Me: “Okay.” (After my response his eyes bug out like I just kicked his dog.)
Him: “I’m. Making. Myself. A. Sandwich.”
Me: “Do you need help or something?”
Him: “NO. I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH INGREDIENTS  FOR YOU!”
Me: “Oh that’s okay I don’t want a sandwich…” (Like I’d ever eat a sandwich from this crack pot.) At this point, the man looks as if he is about the shit his pants in frustration.
Him: “YOU HAVE TO LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!”

Now why didn’t he just say that in the first place? Or the real question, why didn’t I do that myself earlier?

There are more stories from this fella. Ya’ll just wait.