Creepers Episode 4: The Needy Jerk Epidemic Part 1

Before I start, let me make it clear that I now have a boyfriend. My boyfriend is a man I that I pined over for too long while he ‘grew up’. He is still in the process, but everyday with him is a thousand times better than a million money-makin’ creep stories.

Nextly, lest us discuss the NEEDY JERK EPIDEMIC. Single ladies, (Even the not so single ladies) know what I’m talking about. (Yes, maybe even those heavy hitting Christian ladies whose parents pick out husbands for them might even know what I’m talking about…) There seem to be an abundance of men who are not only jerks, but then turn out to be really fucking needy as well.

Let me share a few examples from dating experience past:

Needy Jerk #1. College. 2009.: Let’s call him PRECIOUS. Yes. Precious. Precious bleached his teeth so frequently that they glowed in the dark and for some reason thought it was totally acceptable to don Abercrombie & Fitch from head to toe at the ripe age of 23. Precious was all douche-flirty at a party I was at. He told me I should be a model and then told my friend she should dye her hair back to its natural color. Not sure how this young lad obtained my number, but a few nights later I get a phone call from him asking if I could pick him up from the bar. My friend with dyed hair had ditched me earlier to hang out with some other needy jerk, so I was game for some chauffeuring.

I waited for him and saw him emerge from the bar literally beating drunk girls off of him. One stubborn one held on until he got to my car and he opened my door a crack and slid in and she just kind of eventually slid off. He skipped through the CD that was in my car and screamed like a small child: “OMG SNOOP DOGG!!” He gave me really botched directions to his house and when we finally got there he got all weird and handsy-hands and when he realized I was not into it he started BAWLING. I asked what was the matter and from his snot bubbled mumblings it was a cross between all of his past girlfriends cheating on him and his dad’s disappointment over his quest for a real-estate license. He still tried to get all handsy-hands despite his epic pity party, so I swaddled him in his cologne scented blanket/towel pile like a wee baby until he fell asleep and BOLTED.

The next morning, I was standing in on some retarded middle of nowhere college art critique when my phone would not stop going off. Low and behold it was Precious Captain Bleach Teeth. I got around to calling him back and he was exploding at me because apparently, somebody side swiped his roommates car, and the only logical suspect was little miss sober sensible pants me. He demanded to see my car… I said yeah go look it’s in the top corner of the parking ramp by that big black graffiti penis… He was like nooooo come over! I was like no way cry baby and hung up. The dude kept calling. He called for like 3 weeks ‘just to talk’. It was the freakiest shit ever. He’d be like “heeeey what are you up to? I’m going to the bar wanna hang out after?” Finally I just lied to him and told him I was actually a man with no penis. He believed me and I have not had to deal with him (Or return to that god forsaken middle of nowhere college) since.

More to come.

Creepers: Episode 2. The Beautiful Creep

I have a problem. I seem to attract weirdos whenever I venture into public or if I dare to start up a conversation with a stranger.

Rewind. I am sitting in a pointless general education class. (General Education Class: A more expensive version of the same exact class you took your junior year of high school) I always sit by the back window. That way I can watch what’s happening outside AND I can watch the back of everyone’s heads. There is one particular head I liked to watch, and that was because it was attached to these amazing muscular shoulders and on the other side was the face of a mythical god.

As weeks went by this gorgeous being attempted to talk to me but at the time I thought his horrible social skills were just due to shy-ness… or nervousness… never in a million years did I think this dude would turn out to be probably the most bat shitters person I ever agreed to hang out with.

Phase 1: Dude invites me over to his house for some innocent Lutheran fun. This somehow includes:

Upon arrival, he was wearing short shorts. I’m not sure if they were supposed to be posed as boxers or what. He bolts straight to his room and flops on his bed. (smooth move asshole) I quietly sit on a chair in the corner. He rolls over and begins playing with his balls. This happens on and off through out this creep encounter.

Watching him play Minesweeper (That game that comes default on most windows computers… Who even plays Minesweeper? Avidly?!)

Watching him watch some weird stadium inauguration that he made it apparent he was very upset about missing.

Finally, I called him out on his shenanigans. “Hey man, I’m your guest and you're making me sit here and watch you play fucking MINESWEEPER. At least be more obvious about your rudeness and play Solitaire or some shit!”

After this I had obviously flustered the young man. I asked him (honestly) if he had a hint of some sort of social disorder. He got really mad and flustered about that question and informed me he was burning a CD. I asked if I could decorate the CD, he looked at me as if I had just pinched his mother’s butt.

After the CD was ready to burn, he thrust his laptop at me and said I could play Minesweeper. He left the room and I started playing Hearts. He came back snatched his lap top away and left the room again, leaving me sitting there wondering if I was having some funky erotic dream.

A minute later he pokes his head into the room, and this is how our endeavors came to a close for the day:

Him: “I need to make a sandwich.”
Me: “Okay.” (After my response his eyes bug out like I just kicked his dog.)
Him: “I’m. Making. Myself. A. Sandwich.”
Me: “Do you need help or something?”
Him: “NO. I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH INGREDIENTS  FOR YOU!”
Me: “Oh that’s okay I don’t want a sandwich…” (Like I’d ever eat a sandwich from this crack pot.) At this point, the man looks as if he is about the shit his pants in frustration.
Him: “YOU HAVE TO LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!”

Now why didn’t he just say that in the first place? Or the real question, why didn’t I do that myself earlier?

There are more stories from this fella. Ya’ll just wait.