Creepers Episode 4: The Needy Jerk Epidemic Part 1

Before I start, let me make it clear that I now have a boyfriend. My boyfriend is a man I that I pined over for too long while he ‘grew up’. He is still in the process, but everyday with him is a thousand times better than a million money-makin’ creep stories.

Nextly, lest us discuss the NEEDY JERK EPIDEMIC. Single ladies, (Even the not so single ladies) know what I’m talking about. (Yes, maybe even those heavy hitting Christian ladies whose parents pick out husbands for them might even know what I’m talking about…) There seem to be an abundance of men who are not only jerks, but then turn out to be really fucking needy as well.

Let me share a few examples from dating experience past:

Needy Jerk #1. College. 2009.: Let’s call him PRECIOUS. Yes. Precious. Precious bleached his teeth so frequently that they glowed in the dark and for some reason thought it was totally acceptable to don Abercrombie & Fitch from head to toe at the ripe age of 23. Precious was all douche-flirty at a party I was at. He told me I should be a model and then told my friend she should dye her hair back to its natural color. Not sure how this young lad obtained my number, but a few nights later I get a phone call from him asking if I could pick him up from the bar. My friend with dyed hair had ditched me earlier to hang out with some other needy jerk, so I was game for some chauffeuring.

I waited for him and saw him emerge from the bar literally beating drunk girls off of him. One stubborn one held on until he got to my car and he opened my door a crack and slid in and she just kind of eventually slid off. He skipped through the CD that was in my car and screamed like a small child: “OMG SNOOP DOGG!!” He gave me really botched directions to his house and when we finally got there he got all weird and handsy-hands and when he realized I was not into it he started BAWLING. I asked what was the matter and from his snot bubbled mumblings it was a cross between all of his past girlfriends cheating on him and his dad’s disappointment over his quest for a real-estate license. He still tried to get all handsy-hands despite his epic pity party, so I swaddled him in his cologne scented blanket/towel pile like a wee baby until he fell asleep and BOLTED.

The next morning, I was standing in on some retarded middle of nowhere college art critique when my phone would not stop going off. Low and behold it was Precious Captain Bleach Teeth. I got around to calling him back and he was exploding at me because apparently, somebody side swiped his roommates car, and the only logical suspect was little miss sober sensible pants me. He demanded to see my car… I said yeah go look it’s in the top corner of the parking ramp by that big black graffiti penis… He was like nooooo come over! I was like no way cry baby and hung up. The dude kept calling. He called for like 3 weeks ‘just to talk’. It was the freakiest shit ever. He’d be like “heeeey what are you up to? I’m going to the bar wanna hang out after?” Finally I just lied to him and told him I was actually a man with no penis. He believed me and I have not had to deal with him (Or return to that god forsaken middle of nowhere college) since.

More to come.

Choosing Your College Major: A Shot in the Dark

It took me 5 long years of college to finally graduate. There were two reasons it took me an extra year. The first reason is that I transferred colleges. The second reason is that Concordia University turned out to be pretty fucking shady for a puny ass goodie two shoes private Lutheran college. (Where did all the faculty go? I suddenly have no advisor? Guess I’ll have to take two extra semesters of hot air.)

Luckily, it was not because I changed my major. I started out as an Art Education major because I had this dippy hippie idea of being a high school art teacher. After my second year of college  I realized that most schools made dramatic cuts to their art departments because it’s much more important for football players to have a good assortment of spandex pants to choose from as opposed to a variety of electives for the whole student body. I still liked to idea of summer vacation so I went with a general education major instead. I took all the fancy pants art credits and piled them into a studio art minor.

My dear cousin is heading off to college in the fall and my family has hopped on the panic wagon. “WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR GOING TO BE?! WHAT WILL YOU CHOOSE? YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE THE RIGHT ONE SO YOU DON’T END UP A SUPER SENIOR LIKE YOUR OLDER COUSIN WHO DOES NOTHING BUT BITCH AND BLOG!!” Luckily I was able to give her this piece of advice.

It doesn’t matter what major you choose. College is a big waste of time and money. Sooner or later you will choose a major and the only trick is figuring out how many careers you can bullshit that major into.

Example: Biology. What can you do with this major? You could be… a farmer… one of those disagreeable people who works for the DNR… (Heck, you could probably even work for the DMV) creepy summer camp director… cashier… working for some random company that has you do nothing but data entry all day… licensed daycare provider… owner of an ice cream parlor… shredding papers for a lawyer who pays you an oddly high hourly wage…do you see a pattern here? 

Choosing a major doesn’t guarantee you shit. All those top ten of the class idiots from my high school are sitting around jobless with their engineering degrees because they fell into the ‘science and engineering’ jobs make loads of cash gimmick. (they are also jobless because they think they are too good to be squandering their so-called smarts at a blue-collar job. Have fun in mom’s basement!) 

In fact, my friend who dropped out of college is currently making big fat stripper wads of cash by creating various anime porn websites. Who knew!

Choosing a major? Fear not. In America, selling yourself takes priority over what skills you actually possess. Oh, and so does out sourcing to China and India.

Savings 101: The Stripper Cash Wad.

Money saving is held dear to my heart because I am deathly afraid of inflation. I understand that I will probably never come close to owning the fancy things my parents did (Nice house, cabin, sappy daughter who went to college) With the way inflation seems to be going, I may own a small house or a cabin with no plumbing, or perhaps a nice waterproof tent.

However, things could work themselves out since I am not in debt and have no student loans. If I spend/save wisely I should be fine, right?!?!

Well, I don’t know the answer to that since I am just a fresh faced 22 year old with the sun shining out of my bum. BUT! I am going to share a savings technique with you that will put all of my frugal jewish friends to shame. I call it: My big fat stripper wad of cash.

Step 1: only use cash when buying ANYTHING and everything. I only make two exceptions: 1. the gas pump. I hate paying inside only to find I have a 7/8ths full tank. 2. The grocery store. (simply because I hate fumbling around with cash while I watch my english muffin bread get smashed by the onslaught of lean cuisines and my gallon bucket of ice cream that come roaring down the conveyor belt)

Step 2: When using cash, every time you get 1$’s you must filter them out and put them into… A GIGANTIC WAD OF 1′s. You know, like that strippers have at the end of a night of butt bouncing. Do not spend these $1′s if you have them on you. Spend a five or ten instead. Whats that? You ran out of a money? Then maybe you should have been spending a little more wisely instead of being tricked into some 2 for 1 deodorant deal where the deodorants turned out to be little travel sized punks.

Step 3: watch the wad grow. After Starting one at the beginning of June, I now have 127$ chilling in a big fat wad. More money if you count all the loose change I also refuse to spend. I’ve also found that this method makes me spend more wisely. Who knew.

How fast can your stripper wad grow? How many days does it take you to accumulate 100$ in George Washingtons?