Choosing Your College Major: A Shot in the Dark

It took me 5 long years of college to finally graduate. There were two reasons it took me an extra year. The first reason is that I transferred colleges. The second reason is that Concordia University turned out to be pretty fucking shady for a puny ass goodie two shoes private Lutheran college. (Where did all the faculty go? I suddenly have no advisor? Guess I’ll have to take two extra semesters of hot air.)

Luckily, it was not because I changed my major. I started out as an Art Education major because I had this dippy hippie idea of being a high school art teacher. After my second year of college  I realized that most schools made dramatic cuts to their art departments because it’s much more important for football players to have a good assortment of spandex pants to choose from as opposed to a variety of electives for the whole student body. I still liked to idea of summer vacation so I went with a general education major instead. I took all the fancy pants art credits and piled them into a studio art minor.

My dear cousin is heading off to college in the fall and my family has hopped on the panic wagon. “WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR GOING TO BE?! WHAT WILL YOU CHOOSE? YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE THE RIGHT ONE SO YOU DON’T END UP A SUPER SENIOR LIKE YOUR OLDER COUSIN WHO DOES NOTHING BUT BITCH AND BLOG!!” Luckily I was able to give her this piece of advice.

It doesn’t matter what major you choose. College is a big waste of time and money. Sooner or later you will choose a major and the only trick is figuring out how many careers you can bullshit that major into.

Example: Biology. What can you do with this major? You could be… a farmer… one of those disagreeable people who works for the DNR… (Heck, you could probably even work for the DMV) creepy summer camp director… cashier… working for some random company that has you do nothing but data entry all day… licensed daycare provider… owner of an ice cream parlor… shredding papers for a lawyer who pays you an oddly high hourly wage…do you see a pattern here? 

Choosing a major doesn’t guarantee you shit. All those top ten of the class idiots from my high school are sitting around jobless with their engineering degrees because they fell into the ‘science and engineering’ jobs make loads of cash gimmick. (they are also jobless because they think they are too good to be squandering their so-called smarts at a blue-collar job. Have fun in mom’s basement!) 

In fact, my friend who dropped out of college is currently making big fat stripper wads of cash by creating various anime porn websites. Who knew!

Choosing a major? Fear not. In America, selling yourself takes priority over what skills you actually possess. Oh, and so does out sourcing to China and India.