Hey ya’ll, Pippi Longstocking here, natural foods connisuere. I have a public service announcement for all you self proclaimed health freaks that get your granny panties in a bunch when you can’t get your egg goods yolk free: YOU’VE BEEN LIED TO. EGG WHITE CRAZE =FARCE!
Long ago, I was at a resort with my parents in Mexico. They had a glorious buffet with fruit animal sculptures and a jillion different kinds of bread rolls. In the morning they also had a bunch of Mexican chefs making omelets with fresh eggs and fresh ingredients and a tip jar. Naturally, everyone was drawn to the omelet line, and the chefs worked as quickly as they could to give everyone their omelets.
One busy morning, my dad and I were in line to get, you guessed it, omelets. (more like NOMlets!) It was almost our turn, and then the lady in front of us made the ‘EGG WHITES ONLY!’ request. The Mexican chef gave her a look of befuddled-ness. Her next words were ‘Do you speak English?’ Well, duh lady. The man deals with fat fuck Americans like you everyday. He knows more English than you probably do. And the reason he looks confused is because nobody in their right mind would order only egg whites. Am I saying that all people who order egg whites aren’t in their right mind? You betcha. Ya’ll are mentally challenged. Anyway, bottom line is that this poor chef had to sit there separating yolks from whites for an extra 3 minutes with a tiny spoon. The woman said he didn’t do it right and had him do it again. The line behind us fades away and the poor chef probably lost 30$ in tips because this tubby bitch wants a nutrient free breakfast instead of breaking a sweat to lose some actual weight. (luckily, Mexican Chef took note and I’m sure her food and drink were fucked with for the remainder of her vacation.)
Fast forward to this morning at work. I was helping the new girl make cage-antibiotic-pesticide-free free-range breakfast sandwiches. (Eggs, cheese, sausage or bacon… the usual. Dirty hippie approved.) After getting her set up, I go back to my gluten free baking nonsense when I hear a customer giving her the business. I come back from my tapioca flour powder puff fest and here is some crusty white hipster whining about how we ‘never have egg white anything, like, EVER!’ I tell her its because we are not allowed to make foods devoid of nutrients. She looks at me like I just told her that her deer antler chest tattoo is a piece of flaming shit. She scowls and buys one anyway. (Winning.)
Eggs are delicious and nutritious! Check out this sweet table that compares the nutrient content of egg whites vs. whole eggs.
And yes, it is true that egg whites have way fewer calories than a whole eggs. But who needs energy to burn, right? You can just eat your egg whites and flop over on the couch and do nothing all day because you’re tired and your breakfast sucked.
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