Creepers Episode 3: The Long Haired Creeps

Once again, in a land far far away in the desolate midwest, I encountered another creep. I guess he wasn’t THAT creepy to me, but to the naked eye he was off the creep charts.

I had not seen this young man in awhile, he was a friend of a friend’s. Him and his other long haired creep companions invited my friend and I to their… ‘studio’. I’m pretty sure they had become heroin addicts at this point, but that’s normal in the midwest. People get really bored and depressed and wonder why summer went away. Anyway. The events unfolded as such:

Phase 1: Black Sabbath.

Upon arrival, the long haired brigade went into a female induced tizzy. They didn’t understand why we had come. (To enjoy their odd company of course… and they invited us…) So they decided to turn on some music. And as good little long haired creeps should, they decided to first soften our eardrums by blasting Black Sabbath at us. (Small room. Large stereo. Back to 1973 we go!) My friend and I pretended that we enjoyed going deaf, while the three wise men stared at the wall, occasionally making a weird squinty orgasm face that looked like it was followed with a ‘sense of accomplishment’ face. Half way through ‘Master of Reality’, they turned off the stereo.

Phase 2: Playing guitar.

One of the creeps had shut off the stereo. He NEEDED to play guitar. So we all sat in silence and pretended we liked his acoustic noodling. It ended after he dropped his lit cigarette through one of his pant holes.

Phase 3: Heavy Flow

The acoustic noodling opened a Pandora’s box, and suddenly the three creeps were scrambling around the room and turning on all the amps and the subwoofers. Uh oh. They turned all the dials to ‘loss of bowel control bass’ and started to play. It sounded heavy. It had a flow. It was like the soundtrack to my period. I tried to tell my friend this, but of course we could hear nothing over the bass, and suddenly she just started yelling heavy flow at the musicians. They stopped playing and she was still screaming “HEAVY FLOW! HEAVY FLOW!”

“Hey man. Isn’t that like… a tampon vocabulary… thing?”

“Nope…”

Phase 4: Lady's Turn.

I snatched the drumsticks away from the elfish looking dude and my friend wrangled a bass away from the 95 pound weakling and we began to jam at them, see how they liked it. They went to bathroom to shoot up. ‘How rude!’ my friend exclaimed. They came back and were somehow under the impression that I was this fantastic drummer. (It’s pretty easy to play drums ‘heavy flow’ style…)

We got bored. We left.

Phase 5: The Unique Proposition.

My creep texted me later that night. His text read:

“Hey girl lemme play yo pussy like a trombone”

Sigh.

All Things Egg Whites: The Farce and its Victims

Hey ya’ll, Pippi Longstocking here, natural foods connisuere. I have a public service announcement for all you self proclaimed health freaks that get your granny panties in a bunch when you can’t get your egg goods yolk free: YOU’VE BEEN LIED TO. EGG WHITE CRAZE =FARCE!

Long ago, I was at a resort with my parents in Mexico. They had a glorious buffet with fruit animal sculptures and a jillion different kinds of bread rolls. In the morning they also had a bunch of Mexican chefs making omelets with fresh eggs and fresh ingredients and a tip jar. Naturally, everyone was drawn to the omelet line, and the chefs worked as quickly as they could to give everyone their omelets.

One busy morning, my dad and I were in line to get, you guessed it, omelets. (more like NOMlets!) It was almost our turn, and then the lady in front of us made the ‘EGG WHITES ONLY!’ request. The Mexican chef gave her a look of befuddled-ness. Her next words were ‘Do you speak English?’ Well, duh lady. The man deals with fat fuck Americans like you everyday. He knows more English than you probably do. And the reason he looks confused is because nobody in their right mind would order only egg whites. Am I saying that all people who order egg whites aren’t in their right mind? You betcha. Ya’ll are mentally challenged. Anyway, bottom line is that this poor chef had to sit there separating yolks from whites for an extra 3 minutes with a tiny spoon. The woman said he didn’t do it right and had him do it again. The line behind us fades away and the poor chef probably lost 30$ in tips because this tubby bitch wants a nutrient free breakfast instead of breaking a sweat to lose some actual weight. (luckily, Mexican Chef took note and I’m sure her food and drink were fucked with for the remainder of her vacation.)

Fast forward to this morning at work. I was helping the new girl make cage-antibiotic-pesticide-free free-range breakfast sandwiches. (Eggs, cheese, sausage or bacon… the usual. Dirty hippie approved.) After getting her set up, I go back to my gluten free baking nonsense when I hear a customer giving her the business. I come back from my tapioca flour powder puff fest and here is some crusty white hipster whining about how we ‘never have egg white anything, like, EVER!’ I tell her its because we are not allowed to make foods devoid of nutrients. She looks at me like I just told her that her deer antler chest tattoo is a piece of flaming shit. She scowls and buys one anyway. (Winning.)

Eggs are delicious and nutritious! Check out this sweet table that compares the nutrient content of egg whites vs. whole eggs.

And yes, it is true that egg whites have way fewer calories than a whole eggs. But who needs energy to burn, right? You can just eat your egg whites and flop over on the couch and do nothing all day because you’re tired and your breakfast sucked.